Toronto's most annoying pests are back
Patio season is here, woohoo! Grab some friends, grab a drink, grab a table in the sun...and then move to a different table where maybe the bugs aren't so bad.
Cover that drink when you move, though, because the bugs are so bad and they're just dying to swim in your soda or beer.
Now, spend the evening whining to friends about how it's not fair that these tiny jerkholes won't stop mating in your hair when it just got warm enough to be outside without a parka on.
6 p.m. “Yay, patio season!”— Lauren O'Neil (@laurenonizzle) May 3, 2018
8 p.m. “I HATE THESE BUGS I HATE THIS CITY I HATE MY LIFE”#Midges #Toronto #Fack pic.twitter.com/4NgyEBcbks
Welcome to spring in Ontario, where the closer you are to a body of water, the closer you are to getting flies in your eyes.
Midge season (part 2) peaked in perfect harmony with the first day of truly warm weather in Toronto this year, much to the chagrin of literally anyone who went outside or opened a window last night.
Midgepocalypse!— neville park (@neville_park) May 3, 2018
You know how ants will swarm over a bit of food? That's what the midges are like on my windowsill. I briefly took out the screen to patch the holes and a bunch of midges have invaded my room. Wasabi has caught and eaten some.
As you likely well know, millions of tiny chironomids come to the city every spring and fall to form hovering insect sex swarms, just a few feet above the ground.
They don't bite, but they do love artificial light, which makes using your phone at night a treat if you want to play love shack to an actual bug orgy.
How many midges must a man inhale, before you call him a man?#torontomidges2018— Toronto Mike (@torontomike) April 30, 2018
"The reason we get huge clouds of these midges is that you can get...four thousand larvae in a metre square," said David Sugarman, an Ontario Science Centre scientist, a few years back. "Which means you could get thousands of adults emerging practically at the same time."
Downtown high-rise dwellers, especially those who live by the lake, often complain of giant dead bug clumps on their balconies during and after midge season.
If anyone in Toronto has a thing for collecting annoying small and confused flying bugs then I have a ton of them on my condo balcony I want to get rid of— Josh McConnell (@joshmcconnell) May 3, 2018
Same goes for establishments with outdoor lights, such as every bar and restaurant patio in Toronto after the sun goes down.
Fortunately, midges don't stick around for very long after having sex. The tiny bugs should be dead and gone within a few weeks, at which point we'll start to see other horrid pests emerge from the Great Lakes to touch our stuff.
Toronto...what are these small bugs flying around EVERYWHERE!? Swarming my car, my backyard. I feel like I’m in a Hitchcock film. Anyone else getting them? pic.twitter.com/HhtRtcnFMX— Laura Vandervoort (@Vandiekins22) May 2, 2018
Until then, keep your mouth closed when running or cycling near the lake.
Midges don't taste like anything, but it'll be hard to get the image of conjoined, mating bugs out of your head when you know they're in your stomach.
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