toronto union pearson express

The Toronto airport rail link will be epic, apparently

Toronto had a dream. It wasn't lower crime, or better living conditions, or even a downtown relief line. No, it was the ability to get to the airport without using a car or bus. Now, according to an unintentionally hilarious promotional video just released by Metrolinx, that dream is almost a reality.

According to the assembled stock footage, climactic music, and emotional voiceover, when the Union-Pearson Express opens in 2015 it will not only "establish Toronto as the undeniable symbol of progress and prosperity in Ontario, but help seal our credibility as an international player on the global stage." Finally!

"This is what progress looks like when shared passion and conviction move the earth, put cranes in the sky, weld steel, pour concrete, and plan responsibly and imaginatively for tomorrow." Yes, it looks like a diesel passenger train that will run every 15 minutes. It also looks scarily like this generic brand video.

"UP is a badge that elevates Toronto to full status among the world's financial capitals," the video proclaims. "The mark of a 21st century city that understands and services the valuable currency of time."

The trains, which are "coming to life" on the factory floor as we speak, will feature chairs, luggage racks, and "infotainment."

They will be "so attuned to the traveler that it becomes a memorable part of the journey. A seamless experience intended to make one feel that when you get on the train, you get on the plane. There are rare moments in the life of a city that enhance its present while planting future seeds that will help assure its vibrant future. When those moments happen we call them: 'pivotal.' A word that signifies 'we could have settled for the usual but instead we chose to do the extraordinary.'"

OK, enough already.

Just remember how damn expensive this thing is going to be.


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