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We All Scream for Happy Endings

When I went to New York a few years back, my then-boyfriend and I went for a romantic Valentine's Day massage at a midtown spa. Aside from misplacing our reservation, the rubdown was pretty good - so good in fact, that both masseuses pulled down our underwear and began vigorously kneading our doughy bums. I distinctly remember looking over at him and mouthing, "What the fuck?"

I was anticipating the two women to tell us to turn over and whisper, "Would you like me to finish you off?" But sadly, it was a tease. That was the end of it.

Closer to home, although the market may be small, surely there must be places where a chick can get her own version of a rub-and-tug, perhaps a "rub-and-lick?"

I posted an ad on Craigslist's casual encounters and got about 20 responses in about five mins. However, the number of private business locations seemed to be few and far in between.

One person recommended a spa on Dixie Rd., south of the 401. "They have a lot of girls there. Give them a call and see." "My girlfriend used to get a female happy ending at a spa on Royal York, which has very nice massage attendants."

Another responder suggested visiting places that offer Tantric massage. "They can be very sensual. The point of Tantric massage is to keep you right on the edge, although slipping over can probably be easily done."

As for private house call services, there were tons.

"I'm a trained masseur who doesn't do it for a living any longer, but I do provide a massage with a happy ending. I'm an attractive professional man in my 40s who is too busy and looks for chill opportunities. I find giving massages relaxing and delightful. I'm 420 friendly, located midtown, single and respectful. I've been trained in a number of techniques (Swedish or traditional, deep tissue, trigger point, shiatsu) as well as Tantric practices, which I have both studied and trained."

"(Another massage therapist) taught me the techniques that worked and now I perform massages as a hobby in the downtown location. If you are interested in a man providing the massage, write me back and I can explain further details. I usually charge $25/half hour, and recommend a 1 hour or 90 minute session to ensure pure relaxation. If you are looking for a female therapist I am sure the above can help."

"My name is Gen. I am a very experienced Masseur. Swedish, aroma, and Tantric. I am a bisexual women, and do Take on serious clients who need a special touch. I have a great professional looking place, with a lovely set up. Are you seeking half, or 1hr? Maybe more? Name your budget."

"I'm looking for a female who wants to receive and experience a private/discreet safe and clean session of professional soothing body massage that also includes sensual erotic massage. Basically it's about you being completely relaxed, and getting pampered with body rub and arousing massage with sexual satisfaction."

"I know exactly what you are feeling all the massage parlours in the city and none catering to females. A few years back i tried to open one up but was unsuccessful as it seems there weren't enough female clientele willing to be seen walking in and out of such a place. So I can offer you private serves if you are interested. My rates are simple..Payment based on satisfaction. Rate would be $20/min you decided how satisfied you were and pick the rate! Let me know. I'm not a RMT but have worked in a rehabilitation clinic."

Sex Professionals of Canada spokesperson Valerie Scott agrees that the market for female happy endings is tight.

"Men are more socialized to buy sex," Scott explains. "Women don't tend to buy sex that often even with more disposable income. Let's face it - it's not difficult for women to find sex, there's so much free stuff around. You'll notice the same ads in NOW Magazine that cater to women don't stay around very long because there's not a market for them, so if you're looking to start that as a business, don't quit your day job."

From a women's perspective, Nina, who responded to my ad asking for help, said she met her masseuse through his Craigslist posting.

"The happy ending I got was an extended massage downtown followed by some mouth service," she said. "He took his post off I believe because he was getting too many guys lol...and he was looking for women. I didn't get charged because its a fair exchange...I thought I came out ahead but hey to each his own. He is located in the heart of downtown."

Myself, I love massages. No two things relax me more than massages and cumming. So why not put the two together? After one of those, you could probably sleep for a century (depending on how good it was.) I would be willing to pay for it to, treating it like any service.

Still, I wasn't sure if such massages were legal because the city does license some businesses listed as "holistic massages." But Scott said clarified that while there is a grey area with manual release (i.e. handjobs). A judge in Newmarket in Sep., 2007, declared manual and bodyrubs legal, but in Toronto, "it can be dicey." But for sure, oral and intercourse is illegal under the bawdy house laws.

"It wasn't an Ontario Supreme Court decision," Scott said. "It's very rare that (police) bust bodyrubs, but what happens is because they're licensed, the zoning people come in dinging them with fines for hours or fire code, all kinds of things."

So if you're a chick looking for your own happy ending, post an ad on Craigslist and you'll get quite a few responses from both guys and girls. Also visit some nail spas - Scott says you can get a nice French manicure with a side of orgasm.

Photo is from Tony's Web Blog, found here.

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