doug ford nude

You can buy this nude portrait of Doug Ford for just under $6,500

Imagine, if you will, a neo-expressionist style nude portrait of Ontario Premier Doug Ford complete with — in the words of its creator — "a vestigial jaundiced forearm of waterlogged driftwood dangling pendulum-like, wetly slapping the insides of his knees."

What in words might sound to some like nightmare fuel (or perhaps erotica?) is actually, as executed by one brilliant Canadian artist, something worthy of being displayed in a prestigious provincially-funded gallery.

It's not, though. Not yet. But, should the AGO one day see fit to add Tim Mikula's buzzworthy NUDE PAINTING OF DOUG FORD to its collection, I can guarantee patrons will stop and stare, regardless of their political bent.

The work is mesmerizing, at least to me, a person who is not an art critic. I am literally mesmerized. If I had a spare $6,498 I might even consider purchasing the painting for my mantle.. but it's the artist's description of his piece (free for all to read on Instagram and Kijiji!) that really gets me fired up.

And I'm far from alone, based on reactions to nude DoFo around the web.

"Act now and own a piece of history! Six square feet of Doug Ford, the creamy instant-mashed-potatoes golem shlepping through a hands-off governance defined by buck-a-beer, zero accountability mass death events, and big juicy highways," reads the painting's official description, as published by Mikula in all-caps.

"I'm gonna be honest, I just moved here from Alberta and I guess I had just assumed Ontario's premier was Drake or the ghost of Gord Downie or something. I wasn't even here a week before I saw the incandescent loaf who inherited daddy's sticker emporium complaining that immigrants are a bunch of freeloaders. What the hell, Ontario?"

The artist goes on from there to skewer in hilarious fashion everything from the orphan oil wells of his home province to the perennially disappointing Toronto Maple Leafs.

"Is the province's collective frontal lobe on a general strike until the Leafs win a cup? Or has your leech-based sex-ed curricculum from the previous millennium left you bereft of precious hemoglobin (unchristian carnal urges? Leeches! Syphilis? Leeches! Erectile dysfunction? Leeches! Too many boners? Leeches!)," it reads.

You can read the whole description here, it's glorious — and, despite Mikula's apparent better-than-average grasp on the intricacies of Ontario politics, he swears he really did just move to Toronto from Alberta.

The 32-year-old has given the world various risqué paintings of Alberta Premier Jason Kenney and other Canadian politicians (including Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) to prove it.

"In the spirit of the Renaissance tradition my subject matter is generally depictions of feudal lords. I hope to curry favour with them so that I too may one day dine at the table of inbred kings and queens," Mikula tells blogTO of his inspiration, noting that "the nude human form is sublime."

To create the Ford nude, Mikula used a photograph of the premier's face (or as Mikula calls it, "his beige squinched visage.")

"For the body," he says, "I used the turgid depths of my psychosexual imagination as reference."

The artist says he's had a few inquiries about the painting — "I've had a couple tire kickers offer several thousand dollars then ghost, so I'm letting it go for far below the asking price" — but to date it has yet to be sold.

"The buyer is getting in on the ground floor and undoubtedly has a golden future of untold riches," he says of whoever buys the painting.

Ideally, it'll be someone from Etobicoke: When asked where he'd most like the portrait to end up, Mikula replied "on the mantle in the Ford clan's bespoke triclinium."

The pricing structure itself isn't arbitrary either, and is itself an artistic statement in conjunction with the two by three foot acrylic on canvas painting.

"Pricing is based off the average sq/ft value of a condo in Toronto. $6498 obo," wrote Mikula in the work's description, later telling blogTO that he, like everyone, finds the city's real estate market horrible: "Like what the hell? Is this real life? Is this going to be forever?"

Some experts say no, but other experts might be more inclined to advise you that your money is better off invested in a nude portrait of Doug Ford at this point than a shoebox condo or dilapidated house anywhere in the GTA.

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