6 slightly unhinged Canada fast food hacks to max out your meal

The rise and subsequent overexposure of the "secret menu" has seen some spectacularly weird concoctions, like the infamous McDonald's Land, Sea, and Air Burger, which combines beef, fish, and chicken into an oversized sandwich that blurs the line between meme and delicacy.

And with a multitude of fast food options proliferating across Canada, imagination is the only limit to the low-cost, high-calorie meals you can concoct using standard menu items from the ubiquitous eateries that line city streets and suburban/rural highways nationwide.

From U.S. imports to Canadian cultural icons reinvented, here are six slightly (bordering on very) unhinged fast food hacks to make the most of your food budget.

Taco Bell Secret Salsa

Don't ask for this menu item by name because I totally invented it. Instead, just ask for a side pico de gallo cup for 25 cents and a packet of Taco Bell sauce (mild, hot, or Diablo - they all work), mix them together, and you're good to go. 

For the "deluxe" version with a less processed flavour, shell out an extra 25 cents (you're up to 50 cents now) for a side of red sauce and substitute it for the sauce packet.

This is the cheapest and probably the most justifiable hack on this list, and, to be perfectly honest, things are going to go off the rails a bit from here.

Walking Poutine (the Angry Anglo)

So, while I can admit that I conjured up this affront to French-Canadian culture back in 2015 mostly as a joke to annoy a Québécois colleague who was hating on Toronto, once I doubled down on the joke and actually tried this Ontario-ized homage to "la belle province," it kind of stuck.

First, you'll need a Tim Hortons croissant (ask them to cut it for you, lest you leave a flaky path of destruction in your wake), itself enough to drive any francophone into a rage. But it's the addition of poutine from (gasp) McDonald's that turns this buttery baked good into a culturally questionable meal I have dubbed the Angry Anglo. 

I fear the next Quebec referendum will be blamed on this semi-ragebait concoction, but it's a risk I'm willing to take to spread the gospel of being able to eat poutine on the go with one hand, leaving the other hand free to make a right turn on a red light (sorry, Montreal).

McCoca-ColCafe

Sure, you could grab a canned energy drink, a regular coffee, or just surrender to tiredness. But for those like myself with a sweet tooth and a poor grasp of health consequences, sometimes you just need some straight-up jet fuel and sugar water. 

So zombie walk into that 24-hour McDonald's and order a small fountain Coca-Cola along with an espresso shot. The real trick to getting this concoction right is maintaining unbroken and uncomfortable eye contact with the confused employee as you remove the lid from your fountain drink and pour in the espresso. If they ask you what you're doing, just say "science."

If you think this one is out of left field, it's actually much more common than you think. 

Cola pour-overs are a viral trend in Korea right now, and Coca-Cola even sold a bottled mixture of black coffee and cola in Canada for a brief period in the 2000s. Perhaps they also realized you could just mix them yourself at McD's and pulled it from shelves for that reason, because if you ask me, it tasted great.

Aura Farmers' Wrap

The Tim Hortons Farmers' Wrap has become a quintessential Canadian breakfast item, but it can be improved with some readily available menu items if you're willing to betray the beloved coffee chain, and also get your hands a bit greasy with some breakfast-related field surgery.

In my opinion, the GOAT fast-food breakfast joint is actually A&W, and their ultra-crispy hash browns (one could argue superior to McD's and easily a league above Timmies) hold up much better to a damp tortilla than the competition.

And yes, I have indeed scientifically tested the durability of hash brown crispiness within moisture-laden tortillas. Stop asking follow-up questions.

A&W's breakfast wrap lacks an embedded hash brown, so you'll need to order that as a side item, open the wrap, insert the hash brown, and worry about greasy fingers and skyrocketing cholesterol later.

What it lacks in chipotle mayo, it more than makes up for in ingredient quality. 

McFlurddle (AKA the McGlurdy or McFiddle)

This one is going to sound insane to some of you (as if the other hacks haven't), but if you've ever had an ice cream waffle at the Canadian National Exhibition, you might just understand the direction I am going with this.

You are going to need an order of just two McGriddle pancakes (yes, you can buy them without eggs, cheese, and meat in the middle) and a snack-size Oreo McFlurry. Proceed to assemble a sandwich and eat it as fast as you can, because that thing is going to melt on you faster than… well…ice cream on pancakes. I really don't need an analogy here, do I?

You could theoretically ignore my field-tested advice and substitute other flavours of McFlurry if you want to go maverick renegade, but I strongly recommend against any deviation from this precise recipe. Invent your own damn sandwich.

Pro tip: re-wrap the sandwich in the McGriddle wrapper to minimize melt spillage.

Church's Potluck

Church's Chicken has a growing presence in Ontario and is moving in on other provinces. But they fry up a lot more than chicken. Meat prices are through the roof these days, and when protein is just not in your budget, carb-loading and general disrespect for your arteries can be done with some delicious sandwiches assembled from Church's side dishes.

Get an order of Honey Butter Biscuits, an order of Jalapeno Bombers, and an order of Mac & Cheese Bites. Proceed to construct little sammies, and eat until the heartburn sets in or your stomach is full, whichever happens first (I'd wager the former).

Aside from the Taco Bell salsa hack, which is obviously perfect and I will not be convinced otherwise, which of these would you try? Let us know in the comments!