Holiday Survival - The Sequel!

Who doesn't love someone speaking in the third person? Anybody? After Jalen Rose's fantastical quote, I think I might start. Here we go: Folks, Steve is really excited for another installment of his holiday survival guide. Steve thinks you'll dig it -

The following list is in no particular order and details the people (and I suppose, the places) to avoid during the holidays. Hopefully, there's something for just about everyone. Excluding - naturally - anybody who doesn't thoroughly enjoy Mariah Carey's Christmas Album. Onto the list:

Anybody willing to shop in any of the following locations during prime-time holiday retail hours: Queen West, Yorkdale, Fairview, The Eaton Centre and Church Street.

Now that we're actually into the month of December, anybody hitting these spots on a Saturday afternoon, or right after work, is the type of person who emails on their Blackberry while simultaneously smoking and pumping gas. In other words, they have no ceiling. Speaking of neighborhoods, this one gets its own section -

Anybody shopping in the Yonge & Bloor / Yorkville area over the next 22 days.

Since my "Over/Under" gimmick was well-received by 7% of the people that read the post, I thought I'd dust it off; if only, for a brief moment.

When somebody is hit by a car around Bay & Bloor, what's the "Over/Under" for amount of time before somebody realizes that the person slumping on the sidewalk isn't a hobo and actually needs medical attention? I say 3.5 hours. Honestly, if I was writing this post for the National Enquirer and my angle for the holiday season was: Human Behavioral Clues The Apocalypse Is Upon Us. This is where I'd be doing the bulk of my research.

People who are buying someone an IPOD for Christmas, and inexplicably wait until the last minute.

Last year I decided to pull the trigger on an IPOD Mini for my girlfriend. After four days of unsuccessfully trying to track one down I set up a draft-day style "war room", complete with phone numbers, printed maps, $700 cash and just a little bit of rum. When I finally nailed one down I was figuratively lost for a week. Like when someone completes an Ironman Triathlon and doesn't know where to turn their considerable focus. Yeah, it was just like that. Needless to say, if you haven't purchased one yet, turn your attention elsewhere. Addiction to recreational drugs can be more rewarding than what you're about to embark on.

Anybody in a Lululemon store.

Let me be the first to proclaim: I love Lululemon. Is it expensive? Absolutely. Is somebody going to be wearing the exact same outfit as you the next time you go to gym? You betcha. Do I normally hate any and all things associated with British Columbia? Oh, yes. But here's the thing: Since they burst onto the scene five years ago, Lulu's clothing line has gotten progressively more risque. By summer 2006 they're just going to be selling athletic-booty shorts and crop-tops. God bless, Lululemon.

Having said all of that, if somebody is not savagely beaten with a yoga mat when they try and snag the last pair of tangarine-orange pants, color me astonished.

Anybody walking around making the same facial expression as Conrad Black.

Lets face it, there is always going to be a certain aspect of the holiday season in our life that makes us completely miserable. Family members that you see once a year excitedly bringing up things you don't want to talk about. Enough eating and drinking that you feel like you've just been at a two-week fantasy camp with Britney Spears. Drivers who don't pay attention and as a result get stuck in the middle of an intersection. (By the way, anybody who does this - you know who you are - just go the whole way and start kicking dogs for no reason.)

None of the above is going to change. I'm hoping that if you actually encounter one of these situations, that maybe, you will be able to laugh about it. Since I'm a sap, I'm not afraid to say: That's all I want for Christmas.

Of course, if you see someone get stuck in an intersection and it's blatantly his or her fault, disregard the above. These people should be deported to Hamilton, plain and simple.


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