Gambling On The Toronto Sports Media Scene.
Think writing an educated sports piece that relies heavily on a gambling gimmick is impossible? Think again.
It is high time we find a fresh way to evaluate the sports media scene in Toronto. OK? Alright!
Since the "Burning Questions" gimmick is spectacularly overused, I'd like to focus on a feature that is still Vin Diesel level warm:
Today's topic: The Sports Media in our great city.
Here's how it works: (And if you have a gambling problem and I may as well be explaining the middle section of the alphabet, please bare with me.) We examine an issue by setting an Over/Under, which, in essence, is an arbitrary number used to ignite debate. And, of course, create interest in situations that, in the absence of Over/Under, would be less relevant than The Green Party.
23.5 - Number of Sportscentre episodes before Jay Onrait makes an inappropriate joke and gets yanked mid-show.
I'd have to go with the OVER here since I'm starting to like Onrait's routine. Does that mean I'm not openly rooting for Jennifer Hedger to slap him on-air when he tells her to try out for the Carolina Panthers' cheerleading squad? No, it does not.
50.5 - Number of games before Chuck Swirsky begins openly sobbing during another blowout loss for the Raptors.
Oh, I am all over the UNDER on this one. (Sorry if that was confusing.) I'm pretty sure that Jalen Rose could mimic a sex act with a basketball during a critical fourth-quarter offensive set and Chuck would still sound like his feet were being rubbed.
1.5 - Number of Coach's Corner's before Don Cherry complains - again - about the lack of fighting in the game.
Taking the UNDER here, as well. If only because Cherry uses the reasoning that fighting should be prevalent in hockey, because: "it's always been a part of the game". You know what? He is absolutely right. Just a few years ago, teaching long division was a fundamental cog in the elementary school curriculum. Now? They've brought in these "calculator" thingies. We should start a petition, and have them banished. (Heavy sigh.)
310.5 - Number of times in 2006 that J.P. Ricciardi will tell disgruntled fans that the Jays aren't "made of money" in spite of the fact that he is on the verge of overpaying for A.J. Burnett.
Let's round it out and take the OVER here. A.J. Burnett has a career record of 49-50 and was kicked off the Marlins last year for ripping the organization. (Staring blankly... How do I contextualize this?... Got it.)
If you were really hungry and McDonald's was the only restaurant around, would you offer them $11 for an 89-cent hamburger that'll probably give you the runs? Probably not, right? Just asking.
Let's hope that this works out so J.P. can pull the trigger on his other big off-season move: Selling Vernon Wells to the Red Sox for a great pair of season's tickets at Fenway Park. They're hard to come by, you know.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Year FIVE of the J.P. Ricciardi plan!