Abraham Simpson was a wise man, indeed.

Alibis Wanted for Worthless Pieces of Crap

I've had some difficulty deciding whether or not I wanted to cover Toronto Alibi, a relatively new company in the city. On the one hand, they satisfy a a despicable clientèle with disturbing services.

Their specialty is helping people get away with extramarital affairs without getting caught.

On the other hand, writing about Toronto Alibi gives me the chance to shit all over them. Score.

Toronto Alibi provides what they like to call a number of services, but what it boils down to is that they will cover your ass, for a price. Owners/managers "Stephano" and "Paul" (no, I'm not convinced those are their real names as introduced on CFRB Radio) openly state that while Toronto Alibi will create and sustain alibis for a myriad of reasons and situations, their primary source of business comes from men and women gettin' busy behind their partners' backs.

Checking the site FAQ page's first bullet point gives you an idea of the bullshit being pedaled.

"Should family and friends be hurt by a temporary fling?"

The answer is no, family and friends shouldn't be hurt by your temporary fling, YOU should be hurt by your temporary fling.

I've met a few people who are polyamorous and have very healthy relationships with other people who either share the same lifestyle, or are simply comfortable with their partner's lifestyle choices. If you feel the need to get your jollies off with more than one person, or you have some other choice of lifestyle or fetish, you can be sure there's a Yahoo Group waiting for you, as well as a bunch of people in a city as large and populated as Toronto who are looking for someone like you.

Stephano and Paul hide behind a veil, saying (paraphrasing here) that it's been happening for centuries, and has usually involved bringing friends and family into the equation which only serves to create internal turmoil- Toronto Alibi is a neutral middle man that aims to help out the mother fuckers.

Pure and simply, Toronto Alibi is trying to cash in on Toronto citizens' indiscretions.

Here's my unsolicited advice; if you suspect that your partner is screwing around behind your back, buy Toronto Alibi's services for a limited period of time. Paul and Stephano stated that everything is masked up, that even bills on statements go under a different company name and whatnot. What better way to find out this information than to use it yourself? Pretty soon you'll learn what faux-hotel names and numbers they use and what names to expect to see on your partner's bank statements, and that's gotta make for a rock solid case in divorce court.

I'm all for divorce if the person screwing around gets hit with monstrous settlement costs. If you're going to end your marriage because your partner's a piece of shit, then you might as well get paid for it!

At this point I'd like to point out that Toronto Alibi does provide "legit" services, like calling in sick to work for you and crap like that, but if you can't either man up and do it yourself, or ask your friend to give you a "Save me!" phone call when you're on a horrendous blind date, then you lack the balls required to survive on this plane of existence. Original photo by -stacey- as posted to the blogTO Flickr pool.

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