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Woohoo! Cheap CAYA!

Come As You Are, the finest sex toy shop in the city (and possibly the world), is having its vaguely annual pre-inventory Midnight Madness blow-out sale this Saturday night. That's right: sex toy savings. Never were three kinder words written in the entire English language.

Sex toys are (of course) gads of fun, but they can tend towards the pricey, which is more than enough to keep the average young Torontonian from dabbling. Well folks, this is your weekend. To spur you along to the many great deals, here are ten alternate uses for the ten best items in the CAYA inventory.

Bubble Bath Girls

Real use: A collection of photographer Andrew Einhorn's turbo-hot snapshots of pretty women taking bubble baths in his apartment in New York. Call it pornography if you must, but this is pornography at a whole other level.

Alternate use: Makes a solid prop when immitating bible-thumpers at the corner of Yonge & Dundas.

Splash

Real use: The single best hard-plastic vibrator ever. EVER.

Alternate use: As it's waterproof and can be ramped up from a low hum to a violent shudder, the Splash is a mighty fine nuclear meltdown core for your in-the-tub submarine wargames.

Fleshlight

Real use: The brand-standard insertion toy for men, made of eerily realistic false flesh and sporting a designer's choice of simulated, decorative orifices. Mmmm, that was clinical.

Alternate use: Pull out the flesh insert and use it as a yo-yo. I swear, it's the most fun you'll ever have. Especially on the bus.

Aneros

Real use: In theory, there has never been a better device for stimulating the prostate. In reality, it's darned expensive (ninety damn dollars!) so it had better be worth it.

Alternate use: Mount it on a base board, bring it to the office and pass it off as modern art for as long as it takes for someone to out themselves by admitting that they know what it really is.

Femalia

Real use: Fascinating photo study of the excellent and beautiful variety found in the human vulva. This is required reading for every woman in the world who is actually dumb enough to have genital cosmetic surgery because she finds her private parts unattractive.

Alternate use: Cookbook

Mister Right

Real use: A boys' falsie so realistic, only your urologist knows for sure.

Alternate use: Demonstration model for impromptu anti-circumcision lectures.

ID Lube

Real use: A mighty fine lubricant, sir. Particularly versatile with sex toys, and many manufacturers will include samples with their toys to get you hooked.

Alternate use: As any first-year film student knows, lube is the definitive alien slime. Also makes good screen spit, dog drool, and amniotic fluid.

Vegan Jaguar

Real use: A jock-style strap-on harness, made of fake leather to keep everything nice and eco-hot. And the sleek design is truly kickass. This is the strap-on Trinity wears when she's having her way with Neo.

Alternate use: Will safely suspend a small-to-medium sized stereo speaker from the ceiling, but must be adjusted carefully to prevent bass-beat slippage.

Vanilla Oil of Love

Real use: Yes, this vanilla-scented massage oil is so sugared up, it will leave zits on your butt for a week after use. But I guarantee it'll be the best naked massage you'll ever have.

Alternate use: I have at least one Torontonian friend who swears she used it on salad, thereby pushing the bounds of "non-toxic" forever. Do NOT come crying to me if she was lying.

Pony Tail Plug

Real use: A pony-play must-have, this butt plug comes with a nice long pony tail sticking out of it, to really sell the effect of general horseness.

Alternate use: I sort of think the real use is the best use in this case. There's really no reason why you couldn't wear one all the time.

Come As You Are is located, as always, at 701 Queen Street West (Queen & Bathurst), and their nifty-difty sale is Saturday night, with doors opening at 7. There are going to be door prizes, appetizers, and a D.J. If this isn't the best party in the city on March 25th, the world will officially have come to an end.

Have fun, play safe!


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