Questions For The City.

There are a number of things that I need to tackle immediately. Most of them took place two weeks ago. What can I say? I've been busy.

What a transcendent performance by the Toronto - and North American - media over the past 10 days. First the story broke about the gambling ring, which was - predictably - followed by everybody and their brother filing this as the second coming of the Black Sox Scandal, in spite of overwhelming evidence that no bets were placed on hockey.

Next Angle! Wayne Gretzky's wife (apparently her name was legally changed to Wayne Gretzky's wife after Police Academy 5 bombed) placed bets through Rick Tocchet, she MUST have been doing it for the Wayner. (This assertion was based on the wholly sexist notion that Women are incapable of being sports gambling aficionados.) That interpretation was quickly proven categorically false.

Next Angle! Wayne Gretzky is caught on wiretaps, discussing the gambling ring with Tocchet. He knew. The Great One knew. HE KNEW! Oops, the recorded conversation took place after the story broke and he was just trying to protect his wife.

Next Angle! How could the greatest player in the history of the game allow his wife to gamble large sums of money right under his nose? What an imbecile. Let's continue to pontificate in a nonchalant manner about the familial values of a person we have no personal knowledge of until the next angle drops.

If the Men's hockey team doesn't win the gold medal and somebody surmises that the collective conscious of the players was just too affected by this gargantuan "scandal", I'm moving to Hamilton and drinking myself to death.

I mean... When did we snap? When did the most acceptable form of news become two late night shows on Comedy Central? Why is James Frey vilified for lying about certain details in "A Million Little Pieces" - only the most profound and educational piece of literature on the nature of chronic addiction I have ever read - to better illustrate the root of his lesson, while Kanye West is profusely praised for saying the President of The United States "doesn't care about black people" on live television? Which of these two instances is more self-serving? Tell me honestly.

Why does the influence of 24-hour news coverage force us to the next thing, instead of properly examining the issue at hand? Why is it ok for Bloggers in this city to stereotype and bash people who shop in Yorkville? Why would it not be ok if I wrote a satirical piece about Queen West?

When Chris Bosh has an off night, why do writers allude to success going to his head too quickly instead of writing something to the effect of:

The Raptors franchise player had an off game this evening, but that's ok, after all; he's 21 fucking years old! When I was 21 my day was considered a success if and when I put on pants.

Oh, and did anyone catch the cover of Toro Magazine? I have no proof that the following exchange took place; that notwithstanding, I am supremely confident that it did:

Toro Magazine Executive 1: "Fantastic news everybody, we have booked Paul Walker for our March Cover."

Toro Magazine Executive 2: "Super-duper! He's in that new Disney movie, isn't he?"

Toro Magazine Executive 1: (Quietly.) "We have to call him the new Steve McQueen. His manager demanded it."

(45-second silence.)

Toro Magazine Executive 2: "This makes me want to remove my belt and hang myself in a public washroom."

Why do people pretend that the Conservative Party of Canada wasn't actually elected? Why does the average Canadian consider Belinda Stronach's choice of partner a more accurate barometer of her political aptitude then her exceptional record as a CEO in the private sector?

Would that make it safe to assume that she would be better suited to be the next leader of the Liberal party if she was overweight and unattractive? Just so we're clear; you cannot believe one without the other.

I'm certainly not a futurist, but does anybody else foresee the over-saturation of information, and the resulting distortion of perception exploding all over the news industry very, very soon?

(The question mark key just broke off my laptop.)

I'd like to know the answers to these questions. I'm going to try and find them.


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