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Fashion & Style

The best and worst of Rob Ford merch

Posted by Aubrey Jax / December 10, 2013

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford might not have surpassed cult favourites like The Simpsons, Grumpy Cat, and Human Centipede for bootleg merch, but he's well on his way. The question of who buys this stuff - and who makes this stuff - could be pondered for decades (and likely will be) but I'm not here to ask probing, soul crushing questions, like why there are currently 75 Rob Ford items on Etsy, 49 on Cafepress, 135 on Zazzle, and approximately 600 items on Ebay. I'm just here to guide you through the (wasted?) wonders of human creativity.

While timely novelty items can be fun (and potentially lucrative) I wouldn't advise buying any of these unless your personal brand really necessitates it - especially if you're going to give them out as office gag gifts, in which case they'll likely meet their end as dog toys before 2013 closes. Your money is your own, but I for one am holding onto my mine until someone molds a working solid gold crack pipe shaped like City Hall. Should be anytime now. With that as a warning, here are the five best of the bunch, plus five items that absolutely merit a week-long journey into your own drunken stupor.

TOP PICKS

Rob Crack Commandments
Pictured above, this hyperrealistic, regal portrait of Rob Ford, crowned, blinged, and surrounded by crack rocks, is probably the boldest Ford fashion statement you can find as of this posting. It comes in a red t-shirt ($34.99) or sweater ($59.99) that looks more like a Tumblr art creation than something that should actually exist. But here it is, ready to order. Shelfies is a Toronto company whose online shop actually stocks a little something for everyone - though I'm not sure who this design is for.

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford catnip toy
This pink, silkscreened, bowling-pin-shaped cat toy with Rob Ford's likeness on it appeared in PoliticalCircus's Ottawa based Etsy shop (she also sells finger puppets of Rob Fords as well as the Trudeau family, Stephen Harper, John A MacDonald, and more. What is even going on in Ottawa?) earlier this fall, but they're currently sold out. It was only $10! Maybe she'll make more if you ask nice. Or if your cat asks nice. Your cat doesn't know who Rob Ford is.

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford Party Hard - Parody Shirt
It's convenient of self-proclaimed brutal partier Andrew W.K. to cash in on Toronto's misfortune - it's also handy for us that he specifies that this is a parody shirt. At least these bloody, limited edition conversation starters are only $19.99 a pop (though American Apparel is still undercutting him at $14). Hey Andrew, maybe you can guest on the next Rob Ford noise tape. If you can keep up.

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford Prayer Candle
You know what's important? Dedication. Not to sound like a Nike commercial - but you're not truly committed to the cause of enjoying Rob Ford's humiliation of Toronto until you have a prayer candle bearing his image, complete with angels scattering crack cocaine above a quote - the quote - about eating pussy on an aged scroll. This thing might take years to burn down - just like Ford's career. $16.

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford King of Toronto Crack Scandal
Sarah Friend aka bllkbox on Etsy might have the most wearable Rob Ford apparel with this "Gangsta Meme" t-shirt. For $24, you can wear Thomas Van Ryzewyk (Vice)'s iconic (am I being ironic here? I'm not even sure. Iconic.) black and white image of Rofo wearing a decadent crown and smoking a crack pipe. 100 points if you wear this to Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa dinner with the fam. 100 meaningless points.

THE WORST

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford Ugly Christmas Sweater
We as a culture have taken the ugly sweater thing too far. When we were just buying them, cigarette burns and all, used for $4.99 at VV to wear at a couple parties, that was recycling. Now we're making them from scratch. Etsy store TaborsTreasures took a break from making $75.51 Miley Cyrus ugly Santa sweaters out of cheap sweat shirts and Christmas decos to immortalize Rob Ford's face, because - I'm not sure why. The earrings light up, so on the bright side it's a possible fire hazard.

Rob Ford SwagRob Ford Mosaic Made from Lego Bricks
Brickworks is selling this lego portrait of Rob Ford, which is only "50 studs high by 50 studs wide" (that's 15 3/4" x 15 3/4"), $350 US on Ebay. The thing is about the size of a vinyl record, and basically says to any guest who enters your home "do not have intimate relations with this person, they are not capable of emotional maturity." The only good thing I can say about this awkward piece of Rob Ford pop art is the company is local.

Rob Ford SwagRoFo The Rob Ford Gnome
Everything about this vampiric RoFo lawn ornament from RevenantFX's Etsy shop is wrong. The matter of it being listed way after Halloween. The price, marked at $65.66 instead of $66.66 (cowardly!) The absence of white glitter snowflakes on the tie (wasted opportunities!) The evidence of dark roots when we all know Rob is a natural blonde. The fact it barely looks like Ford. The only way I'd buy this is if it were also a working smoke machine.

Rob Ford SwagThe T-shirts phone-ins
Browsing the metric tons of mediocre Rob Ford merch (10 minutes in photoshop + the internet, you know the deal) is like being locked in a room with three people acting out No Exit over and over and over again, forever. It is a nightmare from which we cannot awake. It is beyond the blighted face of capitalism - it is the evidence of our flaws as living beings. American Apparel, don't think I don't see you there.

Rob Ford SwagThe Bobbleheads
Rob Ford's officially mandated line of wonky, way-too-handsome toys made in his likeness (which are now going on Ebay for hundreds of dollars) will forever remain here as the Worst Rob Ford Merch Ever, though his illegal "Ford" logo bootleg shirts come in at close second. Did Rob Ford order these when the crack scandal first broke, and keep them in a box in his office until the shit got really, really bad? We have to guess no, because there's been no other evidence of foresight coming from the Mayor so far. If you bought one of these, shame on you. Let's learn from this and do better next year.

Rob Ford photo by Frank Gunn

Discussion

19 Comments

Steve / December 10, 2013 at 08:57 am
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Worst mayor ever? Worst mayor ever.

Actually I'd like me a Mel Lastman shirt...
Cornelious / December 10, 2013 at 09:49 am
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Who?
Stephin / December 10, 2013 at 10:59 am
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Mel Lastman was another trainwreck of a mayor we decided should run our town.

He "accidentally joined the Liberal party" once and before visiting Mombasa, Kenya to support Toronto's bid for the 2008 Olympics, back in 2001, told a reporter, "What the hell do I want to go to a place like Mombasa?... I'm sort of scared about going out there, but the wife is really nervous. I just see myself in a pot of boiling water with all these natives dancing around me."

He shook hands and took photos with high-ranking members of the Hells Angels at a convention they held here, but later tried to defend his actions by saying that he "didn't know they sold drugs."

Back when SARS broke out in 2003, he was asked what the W.H.O. were doing to solve the criss. "They don't know what they're talking about. I don't know who this group is. I've never heard of them before."

In 1999, Toronto had a snowstorm and Lastman's solution to easing the amount of snow was to call the Canadian Forces in to shovel the roads and sidewalks with their own equipment and resources. After they had finished cleaning up, Lastman gave them a free Maple Leafs pass. When asked about those actions in 2009, he stated that he was proud of pulling through and using them as he felt it was a time of need.
Stephin / December 10, 2013 at 11:00 am
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^^
"...to solve the CRISIS"*
Vince / December 10, 2013 at 11:13 am
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And to think, before that, we had to deal with the genuine villain that was Mike Harris, who would cut social assistance rates by 22%, causing a MASSIVE hardship on the needy of the city.

The man was basically our own version of the awful, Margaret Thatcher. He would also lay off several hundred vastly experienced nurses and hospital workers whilst also closing down a large amount of hospitals, just to simply cut more costs.

He would compare these events to the workers laid off at toy factories once the Hula Hoop fad died down in the 60's. "Just as Hula-Hoops went out and those workers had to have a factory and a company that would manufacture something else that's in, it's the same in government, and you know, governments have put off these decisions for so many years that restructuring sometimes is painful."

The man tried to permanently eliminate the option of a fifth year at high schools and pretty much made a complete mockery of teachers who were obviously brought on as full-time educators for their credentials by introducing "teacher testing", which basically meant that they had to take examinations on a regular basis.

I suggest that everyone look him up and read what he caused this city to go through during his time of power. He was truly an awful man.
Sammy / December 10, 2013 at 11:33 am
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This just in - ROB FORD to appear in Anchorman 3!!!!
switcher / December 10, 2013 at 03:01 pm
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Rob Ford and his own little 'Mini me'... now he can go off in the basement and play with himself.
acv / December 10, 2013 at 03:35 pm
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where the barabra hall or david miller shirts ? they are the worst mayors Toronto has ever seen based on their policies
v79 / December 10, 2013 at 03:50 pm
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So how exactly is a relatively good quality bobblehead which was sold exclusively for a charity the worst piece of merch? Compared to the utter crap in the top 5, it clearly belongs at the top of the list. It seems the author here isn't too gifted in the logic department. Also, calling the illegal Ford Motor Co. shirts "his" is another ridiculous misrepresentation of the truth, seeing as he had nothing to do with their manufacture.
Ali / December 10, 2013 at 06:04 pm
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AND don't forget your CRACK IS WHACK tote bag! https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/167614271/sale-rob-ford-crack-is-whack-tote-bag?ref=shop_home_active
chester / December 10, 2013 at 06:43 pm
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I despise Rob Ford, but if I saw someone walking down the street wearing a sweater like this I would rip into them. Seriously what kind of loser do you have to be to wear something this stupid. Attention seeking, no integrity, no shame. This is right up there with people who wear "I'm with stupid shirts".
pew pew replying to a comment from v79 / December 10, 2013 at 07:40 pm
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be nice, she's only fifteen.
foo replying to a comment from Ali / December 11, 2013 at 08:35 am
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F off.
Shirley / December 11, 2013 at 09:21 am
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v79-I noticed too (thoght the bobblehead idea was pure genius). Blog T.O, what were you thinking? This was beyond a doubt the worst article I've seen on this news blog..

These arent't all of the posts either. I notice there are at least 14 missing (including my own, I suggested all city councillors get bobbleheads, then we could make comedy skits and post them online.) Leave it to a hater to put a negative spin on charity work.

rachel / December 13, 2013 at 11:20 am
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PLEASE CHECK OUT MY ROB FORD X-MAS ITEMS PAGE VIA FB
ALL PROCEEDS WILL BE GOING TOWARDS MY FUNDRAISER-TO TRAVEL FOR A CAUSE "LOCAL LEADERS, GLOBAL FEEDERS".

http://www.gvnfundraising.org/fundraise?fcid=290626

any Q's? please e-mail me :)
Chris / December 19, 2013 at 03:31 pm
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oh a little harsh - LOL! my Lego Art Portrait of Rob Ford made the worst list! Well at least it made a list! All in good fun. Enjoy!
تجميل وزراعة وتقويم الاسنان / February 14, 2014 at 01:21 am
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تجميل وزراعة وتقويم الاسنان,تجميل الاسنان,تبييض الاسنان,تقويم الاسنان,زراعة الاسنان,تركيبات الاسنان,جراحة الفكين,الخلع الجراحي,عدسات الاسنان,متخصصين واستشاريين,

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