The Everything to do with Sex Show began, for me, with a pre-party at Oasis Aqualounge. Lots of hairy, cupid-like man bodies were on display, accompanied most often by jiggly, lingerie-clad lady bottoms. Noobs went on dungeon tours, and learned the ins and outs of ethically smacking one's partner. People lounged on vinyl beds, stretched out like felines, waiting for 11 p.m. to hit. For at the strike of eleven, the sexing begins.

We're warned on the way in that we will see nudity.

I had to hightail it out to make another engagement prior to 11, thankfully. But the show opener was a good sign of things to come. This is not a time for the pearl clutchers, nor the faint of heart, amongst us. Here are the top five things to check out at the fifteenth annual Everything to do with Sex Show in Toronto.

Check out aphrodesiac corner
If you're the optimistic type who is willing to ingest loads of avocado in wide-eyed hopefulness that it will make your junk function for a longer period of time, this is for you! You may even see a unicorn, too. In more reasonable news, this area will also teach you to make a romantic dinner for two, which might actually get you laid. It's worked on me (much to my later shame and regret. But that's what dating/sex is all about, no?)

Learn to have better butt sex, and more!
If you're the nerdy type who likes to take notes, check out the seminar series. It features speakers proselytizing on everything from how to squirt to orgasm via butt sex to how to actually be intimate with someone. I can assure you, watching strange couples hold one another awkwardly and become clearly aroused in public by the prospect of putting on a pair of black gloves and pleasuring their partner is very, very funny.

Shop around
This applies to both people and things. People on offer include an old man in just a camo thong and a sweet little grin, as well as a throng of middle-aged couples on a quest to learn about the aforementioned anal play. And if you need any sex apparatus whatsoever, you will find it in this seedy gymnasium full of fantasy. Waterproof blankets to avoid the dreaded wet spot, multiple spinoffs of the infamous Rabbit, and, I shit you not, rubber torsos of women ready for the humping.

People watch
This one should be a given. The best place to do this is likely in front of the burlesque stage, where people become unbelievably and visibly horny from watching women flit about in titty tassels. (Mad respect to sex performers of all kinds. That work takes skill, dedication and natural steaminess. It's just the audience I'm making fun of). Other bets include women with teased out 80s bangs shopping for sexy nurse outfits, invariably accompanied by men with the ubiquitous donut hairdo.

Get hired
In a city like Toronto, with its cutthroat competition across basically every industry and its criminal rent levels, making ends meet can be tough. If you like sex, you might want to stop by and interview for Cam4, where you can become a cam person and actually get paid to jerk off. This might work better if you're an objectively hot girl-babe, not sure, but can't hurt to go for it anyway.

The Everything To Do With Sex Show runs from now through Sunday at the Direct Energy Centre.