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Toronto Sports Wishes For 2006 - Part 2


In case you missed Part 1, you can check it out here.

I also think you all should know, I haven't ingested any form of caffeine in 6 days. (Meaning, if I come off like a raving lunatic, sorry.)

Back to the list:

6. The death of "Upper Body Injury".

We're all familiar with "The Upper Body Injury". It is a distant cousin of "The Lower Body Injury" and the illegitimate son of Pat Quinn.

It is patently absurd that a professional sports team can give virtually no information on injuries to its players and then blast Dick Pound when he suggests NHL players are using substances to enhance performance.

(That is all he said, by the way. Steroids were never mentioned. Ever. It was really neat to hear and read Pound's statement being debated under that untrue premise, though. Savvy research, my friends.)

Did anyone catch a glimpse of Gary Robert's during the 2002 playoffs? There was a good reason he looked like he just spent a weekend with Bobby & Whitney. Both of his shoulders were totally, completely, decimated.

Darcy Tucker missed the last 3 weeks of the 2004 season, then, magically reemerged for the playoff opener against the Senators looking like Charles Manson in shoulder pads.

So I suppose that either, a. all the Maple Leafs have taken their Flinstone vitamins religiously since childhood, or, b. they're dishing out enough painkillers to medicate the entire population of Saskatoon.

People who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw rocks - famous saying. Here is my version: people who take our money hand over fist, shouldn't feed us shit.

If a player is hurt, tell us. The method presently employed by MLSE gives no definitive competitive advantage and is laughably juvenile.

5. Regular Season Domination by Kanata.

You may know them as the Ottawa Senators, but they play in Kanata, Ontario. As such, when I refer to them in this space - since they have done nothing to gain any semblance of my respect - they will be called Kanata.

Kanata is 4 - 0 against the Maple Leafs this year, with an aggregate score for those match-ups of 25 - 9. They boast a balanced attack, with a lethal front line combination of Daniel Alfredsson, Dany Heatley and Jason Spezza, exceptional defencemen, lead by Wade Redden and Gheorghe Muresan and a veteran goaltender in Dominic Hasek; whose has played with an intensity suited for a man trying to avoid jail time in his own country.

The "New NHL" and Kanata have been a wonderful marriage. Increased attention to clutching and grabbing tactics that plagued the "Old NHL", has finally allowed Kanata to utilize their generous supply of speed, skill and finesse.

Most would consent, a visit from Lord Stanley is in the offering this June.

(Little known fact about me: I can see the future. Check out this article that I pulled from a spring 2006 edition of the Ottawa Sun.)

8TH SEED LEAFS SWEEP SENS

Associated Press - April 17, 2006, 12:10 am
Toronto (AP) - It seems that even a 119-point regular season isn't enough to vault the Senators past the Legendary Toronto Maple Leafs.

Fresh off a campaign that brought back memories of the great Oiler teams from the 80's, the Sens were silenced, scoring only 5 goals in the franchise's second sweep at the hands of the Leafs.

When reached for comment, a puzzled Daniel Alfredsson proclaimed, "We're going to win Game 5, I guarantee it".

Upon learning that the series was over, Alfredsson hastily retreated into the trainer's room for care on his chronically inflamed anus. This, unfortunately, has become a staple of Alfredsson's post-playoff routine when playing the Leafs.

(Nifty talent, isn't it?)

4. The Raptors.

Look, I'm not asking for much, but I am asking for the following:

Rob Babcock not wearing earplugs at home games. I suppose you can make the argument that it doesn't make you look like a weakling. Then again, you could also argue the merits of wearing shorts and sandals in January.

Stop putting Rafael Araugo on the court. Just stop! You can cut him, you can trade him, or, just force him to work as a bouncer for concerts at the ACC. The fact remains I'd rather have Zan Tabak playing centre, and he may not even be alive.

Do not refer to the glory years - or even good years - when speaking about the franchise. That's like a homeless person passionately describing a free meal at Swiss Chalet.

Most importantly, if the franchise's modus operandi is to undergo a youth movement - stay the course. Eat Jalen Rose's contract for the next season and a half, continue to draft responsibility and do not obtain any unattractive contracts.

Who knows, maybe the franchise can turn its self around. (I mean, probably not, but maybe.)

Back tomorrow to wrap things up.


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