New in Toronto

New in Toronto Music: Taylor Knox, Black Walls, Smash Brovaz, Digits, Non-Stop Girls

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I give this video two digits, specifically my thumbs — get it? Good. In it we meet a pale alien who has crashed landed (fallen to earth) and goes on a sensual fact-finding mission. This video is spicy and features all sorts of heavy petting and borderline leud scenes. It's pretty far out (and I ain't referring to another pelvic digit). N.S.F.W. which of course means means 'Nary Strive o' Foppish Wonderer, a phrase which I've always felt was pretty unclear.

Here's a little Black Walls fan fiction, if you will: Shyphonius stood before the altar of Gabriel. He outstretched his arms and began the incantation. ¶ "Quid, Me Anxius Sum/Quid, Me Anxius Sum/Quid, Me Anxius Sum." ¶ The black wall stirred. A light, beginning ever faintly, began to brighten seemingly through the blackness itself. Shyphonius crossed himself and bowed. His beard tingled. ¶ The light increased. It blinded him. It overtook him. It humbled him. ¶ Finally the Figure of Gabriel appeared still and silent. ¶ Shyphonius cried "Oh Gabriel, tell me of my father's voice for I have never hear it." ¶ Shyphonius could speak no more. He kneeled with his head down for what must have been 15 minutes. Finally he sensed Gabriel stir and pushed himself to raise his head. ¶ When their eyes met Gabriel was smiling. Shyphonius' cup was filled (metaphor). ¶ Gabriel let out a large fart and winked.

The impression that I get when listening to Fire is of a mighty mighty band that will last for a long time, Knox on wood. That last sentences included three different puns/allusions — let's see if you can spot all of them as well as figure out what band I'm referring to. I'll wait. AWESOME JOB! Also, awesome job Taylor Knox. Fire is an excellent EP, just sparse enough to be sincere without being boring — OK, I can't bare to think that someone missed out on all my excellent puns. THE BAND IS MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES!

Yes, Smash Brovaz is a hilarious name but its real strength lies in its diverisity . It wouldn't have lost a touch if it were the name of a rocksteady band, a drinking game or the moniker of two grade school bullies. Their leader would be Phillip who always wore a turtle neck and was so ballsy he would even wet willy the girls. His partner in crime would be Trevor, a larger, seemingly cruel boy who really just doesn't know any better. But in this case it belongs to local rappers who have debuted their new album Think It's a Game, which I'm inclined to do judging by their name.

Non-Stop Girls is also the name of the screenplay I'm developing. It's about a really cool guy who takes women's studies and learns hilarious and plot twisting surprises about each of his teachers. The title refers to the overwhelming number of girls in the film, which only serves to compound the personal problem of the main character — namely, that he's only interested in one girl, who is not attracted to men. This is mainly a device to allow our protagonist to play Weezer's "Pink Triangle" at the big talent show. Of course he doesn't get the girl because sexuality is not a switch, which is the moral of the story. Sure, I would put the band Not-Stop Girls on the soundtrack but only if they changed their name to Vicki O'Rourke and Stop Measures.

Photo of Digits by the Urban Hermit

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