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Relief For The Tsunami Victims (And Toronto's Drinkers)

Studio 99: a place with no boundaries, no limits on self-control, no drinking curfews, and surprisingly no fights. It's almost like the Autobahn in Germany - for a long straight stretch of road with no speed limits, one would expect there to be an exorbitant amount of crashes there each year, but European officials purport that there are actually more accidents on the smaller country roads with no divided highway.

At Studio 99, people understand it's a privilege, not a right, to have a last-call-less haven. So the most violent thing you may encounter on a typical evening is a few harsh words that will quickly de-escalate and dissipate.

As a promoter, I often find myself at Studio 99 on Saturdays and I also find myself looking forward to these shifts. I can most certainly expect that I will encounter some hilarious drunkards who have lost all inhibitions and much of their dignity as well.

I can also expect to have some interesting conversations with Shawn, the witty and sarcastic door guy with talents in singing, dancing, acting and stand-up comedy, whose eye rolls and David Spade-like humour always sends me into spasms of drawn-out laughter. Often times he examines his surroundings and looks over at me, shaking his head, and says "Is this my life??"

I know we will be respected and treated well by Joel, our good-natured promoter. He welcomes us inside, while other club owners won't even let us within a 100 metre radius of their clubs; he offers us free drinks, while other club owners would charge us $5.50; he explains to us how Saturdays got started here. "This studio is owned by a film company who makes movies here and they got to having wrap parties and stuff. The parties were a big hit, people started bringing their friends, and they asked us if we would take over and manage the night," he explained. The rest is history. Word on the streets is that cops know about the place but turn their heads. There haven't been any scuffles there, after all. Is this proof that people can be trusted to set their own limits without raucous incontinence ensuing?

Hundreds of people piled into Studio 99 this particular evening to hear some of their favourite DJs - including Jelo, Robb G, Evan G, D-monic, Matt Lunnen, Tim Patrick, and others. Breaks and house thundered in the large dance cave. The air was pregnant with sweat-infused moisture and every once in a while, the dazed and overheated would stumble out into the airy hallway for a breath of fresh oxygen. They raised $8000 for Red Cross's Tsunami Relief Fund and the company planned to match the $8000 for a total donation of $16,000. Way to go, Toronto! Never underestimate the allure of a plastic cup full of personal freedom.

Overall it was a fun night for many with extremely danceable beats, great tasting drinks, and a wide variety of different people representing the infinite diversity of Toronto's nightlife. Of course the night wouldn't be complete without my fair share of random and wildly entertaining drunk spottings. I could really spend all night telling stories, but instead I've compiled a list that Jeff Foxworthy would be proud of, as a tribute to the people with no boundaries, no limits, and no self-control. If you see yourself in one of these examples, don't worry, 99% of the people there probably won't remember. Just don't admit it to ANYONE - not even yourself.

You might be a SKETCHPAD if...

-You find yourself asking the guy at the door, "Yo Man, do you have any Toilet Paper? Cuz like, I have to go to the bathroom. Where IS the bathroom? So you don't have toilet paper???"

-You find yourself asking the guy at the door if he has a pen you can borrow for five minutes... so you can "put an X on the pimple on your nose".

-Then you find yourself back again, asking for a black marker this time to "lance the mole" on your nose and when a girl looks over at you, you run away in embarassment!!

-You stumble and fall into a film screen, tearing it, while telling the person on your cell phone, "Whoa man, I dunno, I just fell through this wall... this weird imaginary temporary wall that someone put up to get in my way!"

-You find yourself asking the guy at the door if you could use his cell phone just because you see it sitting on the table - and you reach to grab it!!

-You lean in until your cheek touches the person you're talking to
and they can actually feel the spittle projecting from your mouth
onto them!

-You're 25 years old and you go out to party with your gray-haired 60 year old Dad, ask someone "Yo can you watch my dad?" and you ask your dad for your allowance to buy beer.

-You tell a girl "I love you ... baby .... I love you!" and she hides her face and promptly RUNS out the door!

-You find that your sentences start to become random words arranged in no particular order... "Can the outside me I door friends?"

-You unload the entire contents of your wallet onto the door man's table, sorting through 5 different chapsticks, a vixx vaporub inhaler, change, and rolling papers like an obsessive compulsive.

-You believe that rolling papers are a valid source of currency and
you start putting them in the donation basket.

-The skirt you're wearing reveals the lower half of your bum cheeks.

-You start yelling continuously, "I need an afterhours that makes me MOVE MY HIPS! I just wanna MOVE MY HIPS!"

-You request that the bouncer pay your admission to the party.

-You keep slipping in the snow and getting pummeled violently by your "friends", probably falling fifteen times within 30 seconds.

-You run up to greet the guy at the door, jumping into his arms, yelling "Oh my God! It's you! Hey!! Oh my God! I'm so happy to see you!" But truth be told, he has never seen you in his life.


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