Our first thought, being members of one of the most equality-drunk societies going, is that, yes, of course we can. Conservatives and the unimaginative love to pat us all on the back by saying that we listen to a white rapper and watch a black golfer, that women can play hockey and men can do, oh, some girly thing. It is in this spirit that I can test-drive a Rolls Royce. Or so I believed.

I could even get up in arms about it. Like, who would the dealer be to say that I can't take a half-million-dollar übermachine out for a joy ride? How does he know that I don't have trunk loads of cash at the ready to fling at such a thing? If he were to refuse me I could accuse him of socio-economic profiling. I have rights!

But before we tell you the tale of the horrible, gruesome day trip we took through the GTA's most sinister community -- The Township of King(!) -- let us cast the first bit of black magick together:

If you're reading this on an Apple computer, invoke the following spell: Say "Humba Fumba Bim Bam Boo Chris Rules" three times and then hit control+option+apple+8. You are now cursed to read this story in the dark! (Unless you invoke the spell again right away -- your call.)

If you're reading this on a Windows computer, I don't know, go turn some lights off and maybe remove some clothing so that you're chilly. Now, read on, if you dare...

To get there we took the 191 Highway 27 Airport Rocket from Kipling Station. Aside from a lone condo building and some sports fields, the Arboretum remains 200 acres of mostly untouched nature reserve. All that land would likely have become a subdivision long ago if it weren't for the expansive flood plain inhibiting development.

Megan at the White Squirrel Cafe across from Trinity-Bellwoods Park says white squirrels sightings are most likely around 7 a.m. near the corner of Shaw and Dundas St. W. Last week she saw two white squirrels together. There may even be a third white squirrel in the park.

Unsatisfied with my chance encounters with an albino squirrel in Toronto, I took a day trip to Exeter, Ont. where white squirrels are not only the town's mascot (Willis The White Wonder), they're there in abundance. Or so I thought.

Dear Girls,

As my unending quest to understand you rolls on, I'm faced with yet another question: do you ever come across certain objects, places or situations that inspire your inner child to mutiny, the little bastard charging forth out of your chest, rendering your adulthood utterly meaningless?

Well, not quite. Traditionally, a high tea would be an early evening meal combining afternoon tea and the later evening meal. The Americanized term now simply refers to a fancier afternoon tea.

Fancier means pricey, right? Not here. What drew us to Etobicoke's Montgomery's Inn Museum was the fact that their high tea costs a mere $5, as opposed to that of say, Le Royal Meridien King Edward ($28), the Windsor Arms Hotel ($27), or the Old Mill Inn & Spa just down the road ($17). It's generally difficult to find high tea service for much less than that.

The town overlooks Georgian Bay, and though it is famous mostly for being a skiing place, there is one more tourist attraction that people everywhere should consider, even if only by reading this story. The place is Scenic Caves Nature Adventures, a privately-owned piece of historically-significant mountain speckled with spelunkable caves, gifted with pause-causing vistas and bedazzled with a series of modern "light adventure" facilities allowing visitors to zip-line, "treetop canopy walk" and pass over a locally-famous suspension bridge to nowhere.

"In the dandy vest and weighing in at 155 (differently distributed) pounds, Christopher Reynolds: Guy!"

It's on, people.

• Is this a lot of hooey?
• Am I going to be able to keep a straight face? But if it is not hooey but in fact the woman is a mysteriously visionful sage channeling otherworldly energies and interpreting signals from the cosmos.
• Is she going to tell me I'm going to die? Or worse, that I'm a jerk?

But also like jetpacks, if I had the opportunity to try it, I'd jump at it in a second. Which is why when the opportunity to try shooting guns came up, I promptly performed that usual emotional dance that I do before doing anything worthwhile: a moment of dizzying panic and then, "Yes!"

And even for us, a pair of cynical-but-wide-eyed explorers, Medieval Times was a thoroughly enjoyable trip. Where else in the city can you witness the art of falconry, eat half a chicken with your bare hands, shout "Wench!" or "Serf!" when you need a re-fill of your Pepsi and then watch six dudes on horses chop each other in half with swords and axes?

The summer air is making us brave here at GTA Tripping. This week we're once again concerned not so much with the outer reaches of the TTC, but the outer reaches of our comfort zones.

Speed dating is something we all know about but probably haven't experienced. Like online dating and other matchmaking services, we think this sort of thing is for "other people". It turns out that this is everyone - everyone involved firmly believes it is out of character for him or her and that they would never normally do this sort of thing. We would put ourselves in this category as well, but like everyone else at Riva Supper Lounge last Wednesday evening, there we were...

But, like his religion, most people I know have denounced the man as crazy. But after a curious-but-guarded trip to a Dianetics center years ago, when I watched the impassioned actor speak to me via laserdisc about the untold, super-secret benefits of being a Scientologist, I wasn't satisfied with aligning myself with the common casting-off of the religion. Like communism, Scientology sounded good to me on paper. As a scientologist I could free myself from stress and anxiety, ascend the ranks into the upper echelons of a secretive hierarchy (this kind of thing is still attractive, what can I say?), and reap the benefits of being a super-human charged by some metaphysical thing called Thetans (midichlorians?).

Fuelled by reckless curiosity, I went to the Church of Scientology of Toronto last Tuesday to take their Free Personality Test, play with an e-meter, and dive right in...

I was surrounded by a circle of chairs, each one holding a person waiting for me to perform the ritual. A 75 year-old Potawatomi elder - Landing Hawk Woman - stood in front of me cradling a shell full of shouldering sage. She was looking at me expectantly, inviting me to perform the ceremonial smudge. The only trouble was, I had no idea what I was doing...

Gifted with this mantra (thanks aunts!), my partner-in-awe and I headed out this week to a place that most born'n'bred GTAers have been to at least once before. Remember when you were in elementary school, and you had to hand that permission slip in to the history teacher? Then you arrived at Black Creek Pioneer Village at Jane and Steeles to find a vividly animated 19th century village, which you greeted by yawning and turning up your Walkman.