TnO
Polyamory (or Please Sir, May I Have Another?)
God knows I've tried... monogamy I mean. Girl after girl, all of them possessing wonderful characteristics; many of which put together would make most guys bend down on one knee and pop the big question.
But not me.
I still want that special someone, don't get me wrong, but I want that someone to want more than just me. I want them to get off on that first time when you know you're interested in someone else and pursue it with the full knowledge that they have my approval and that it turns me on just the same.
Maybe I'll be there and maybe I won't but I want them to enjoy it just as much as I would when I'm in the same position next month.
Sounds simple, right? I mean, two people who are committed to each other should be able to explore various intimacies with other people with the full knowledge and approval of their partner, right?
It's anything but.
Polyamory, long the playground of swingers and their ilk, is still inextricably linked with infidelity and it's difficult to even discuss in an abstract fashion without someone asking whether it's just used as an excuse to cheat.
Never mind that cheating is entirely based in deception and issues of self-esteem; we still paint polyamory with the cheating brush or attach cultural and religious signifiers that have more to do with polygamy (think some kinds of Mormons).
Time and time again, I've met people who, having engaged in multiple-partner experimentation, have resolved to "grow up" and settle down because they have to "stop fooling around". Despite this stern resolve, they end up getting drunk enough to the point where they feel comfortable sleeping with their crush while simultaneously attempting to suppress the knowledge that their partner is most likely going to feel betrayed, if and when they find out.
I realize that my experiences may be entirely atypical but I've always found that my part-time partners have been very understanding when it comes to the boundaries of our time together. Sure, we all have fun together but we know who our primary partners are and we couldn't imagine having it any other way.
While not all folks might find polyamory to their liking (and God knows I'm not trying to be a cheerleader for "the cause"), I'm also willing to bet that most of them have not even considered the possibility that they might be polyamorous. One only has to glance at the local polyamory group to see just how many people are comfortable with identifying themselves as such. While I fully support the experimentation that occurs in the years between youth and young adulthood, I also believe that some of those people are determined to circumvent any possibility of taking the time to truly figure out where they stand on the spectrum of relationships.
Hell, multiple partners or no, I would imagine most relationships would benefit from more honesty and I'm not talking about the kind of truthiness that hurts but real, heartfelt responses about our desires in the context of said relationships. Judging from some of the few polling results that exist (thanks NOW!) Toronto alone is feeling some deep ambivalence with regards to the status of their relationships. Whether it's that morning blowjob or that cute neighbor, it would behoove us to be more open about what turns us on and maybe even try to fit it within the context of how we relate to that special someone(s).
It can't hurt anyway.
Photo: delia.logan
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Good advice for those who'd like to look further:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
And to tout my own Polyamory in the News Site....
http://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/
i was a serial monogamist with infidelities for years, but then i decided to grow up & admit my polyamourous tendencies, despite living in the age of AIDS.
but you gotta watch it with those powders; i've seen them fuck up too many people i care about.
Polyamory -- just as long as all parties are on the same page, I guess it's okay.
I also completely agree and truely believe that honesty with yourself and everyone you care about is the only way to happiness.
But I still like to focus my energy on driving just one person crazy at any one given time. Jealousy and passion and saying "forever" and "only you" without really knowing what it implies... all that's totally for me.
I personally prefer polyfidelity where mutliple groups of people date either the same people or different ones where emotion is the key component.
All and all, what polyamory IS based around (no matter how it is applied) is that love isn't a cage. Love isn't subtractive by default. Often we use love subtractively, but that's not inherent. Love should be about sharing and being open and loving. The needs of your lover(s) should come first. We are human and aren't very good at caring sometimes, but that's the most important aspect.
Just because I love (emotionally or sexually) someone else, doesn't take away from the love I have for someone else. In fact, it often adds to it.
Dealing with multiple relationships is multiplicatively harder than traditional relationships, but it forces us to deal with our own issues of control and fear and jealousy head on in a loving environment.
Just wanted to give my take that all polyamorists aren't sleeping around. Sometimes we are just open to loving other people we meet in our lives along with the people we love already (inclusive is best!).
Poliamory, in contrast, is rarely able to withstand long-term pressures. Anthropologists and sociologists have spent decades studying such groups. I think the 'growing up' part is not without reason as few are able to have long-lasting relationships under this setup. But, at the same time, some people have made it work.
I am therefore somewhat concerned that some commitment fearing men (and I guess some women too) would mistake this fear to be a tendency towards polyamory. It's not the same thing.
You may or may not share other partners with that primary partner but you're with them for a reason.
I appreciate poliamory for its democratic qualities. But here is where I diverge:
"if we can love multiple children/siblings/friends then why the stretch (and taboo) to multiple loves?"
Well, many would say (me included) that it's not necessarily the same thing at all, and we can reverse that the other way around. Why does a sibling just need one mommy and daddy to love? Why not have multiple moms and dads? Yet, even in extended families, or polygamous societies, kids seek a primary father and mother figure they defer to. I don't think it's an accident.
In fact, I'd love to see some research with polyamorous relationships and children. I am not aware of any and if anyone has some, I'd love to read it.
Anyone in Toronto know where to meet such people???