How to hire (or become) a topless waiter in Toronto

First came sexy maids, and now we have topless waiters, courtesy of Crewmen and Co.

Who needs a topless waiter? Consider the near-constant stream of weekend bachelorette and hen parties parading down Richmond St. and you have your answer, although Crewmen goes beyond the purely scandalous. They offer waiters and bartenders who come outfitted in either "sassy" or "classy" outfits. Classy means male models in sharp, freshly-pressed and head-to-toe white, while sassy means boxers, bowties, and my personal favourite, aprons. Or you can have both--the intuitively titled "classy 2 sassy," in which they presumably lose their clothes in some sort of "oops, the dishwasher ate my pants" scenario.

A quick peek at the company's job application yields a form that's half basic information (Smart Serve certification, driver's license), and half model call--they need to upload face and body shots, information about their personality, as well as measurements for biceps, weight, thigh thickness, and height. The prerequisite of a fine physique is stressed throughout, so if nothing else, you're ensured a fine specimen (yes, ladies, we objectify as well).

Much as you can browse the head-shots of actors and models (or, it has to be said, escorts), there's a modest database of their current crewmen. No body shots are available, which is curious for a service that advertises toplessness with such vim and vigour, and there's a notable lack of racial diversity. In case you're wondering, the men are mostly attractive, and run the gamut from (very young-looking) boy-next-door, to tattooed and come-hither.

They provide four services. The first, "lusty server," is the core of their business model, and features "tastefully under-dressed" waiters, whereas "brawny bartender" places them behind the bar. "Cocktail coach" is something even I'd be interested in, where a "licensed and handsome" bartender teaches 5 guests how to create 4 cocktails. The final, and quite frankly, most hilarious, is the "hunky chaperone"--a well-dressed crewman carries your bags while you shop. At long last, you can pay a man to pretend he enjoys shopping. It's not a large leap to imagine that their chaperoning duties could be negotiated to include an escort (the tame kind, ye dirty-minded) to a party, but don't quote me on that.

If all this talk of topless male models is whipping you into a frenzy, settle down. Ladies (and gentlemen), let me stress that this is not an escort service. As part of their serving duties, Crewmen can be asked to pose for photos, tidy up, collect coats and greet guests, assist in setting up games, mingle, and graciously accept tips. However, they're not permitted to consume alcohol, be touched or touch guests (except for the sexless "best buds" arm over the shoulder while hamming it up for the camera), stay past the end of their schedule, or leave unless you've got a smile on your face (this last part should not be considered legally binding, as we've all seen tipsy women and men get mighty irked by any sort of "look and don't touch" embargo).

Think about it. It marries two of our most basic needs; sex(uality) and food. At the end of the day, there's a certain appeal to watching a buff, topless man (clad from the waist-up in only a cheeky black bowtie) set down food in front of you. As for what what the boys gets out of it--well, Crewmen and Co. promises "fun while earning an above average salary." Sounds like a good gig.