Proposed Amendments to the TTC Employee Manual

Section 1: Things to Not Do While Working for the TTC

Article A: Pretty Please

i) Don't sell counterfeit tickets from TTC fare booths. It ends up costing taxpayers lots of money that could otherwise be put to good use like installing shields to protect drivers from angry passengers' spit.

ii) Don't drive TTC vehicles while drunk. It's dangerous to passengers and people on the streets, and makes things too easy for Toronto Sun headline writers.

iii) Don't get high on recreational drugs while working on the tracks. If you want to light up your spliff at home, that's another story. In dark tunnels with heavy equipment, it could cost you your life.

iv) Don't fake having your bus hijacked at gunpoint. If you need to run personal errands on paid time, simply play your overly-powerful union card to take a week off with full pay.

v) Don't screw the entire city over without warning by walking off the job at midnight on a Friday night. The public are still resentful and biking, taxis, and walking are already infringing on our Better Way angle.

vi) Don't pretend you didn't see it and leave the victim of a violent robbery at the curb. She might go to the media, and they're good at making us look like the kind of people that leave victims of violent robberies at the curb.

vii) Don't accept any blame for poor service performance. Instead, follow our policy by blaming the riders. They're much better at accepting blame than we are.

viii) For Joe Clark (and not just for Joe Clark, but yes, mostly for Joe Clark), don't post handwritten signs, anywhere, at any time. Use only computer printed fonts deemed appropriate by our graphic design specialists (see new rule ix below).

ix) Don't admit that signing a long-term contract with Legacy Sportswear was a mistake. Even if you prefer the swag that riders prefer, don't admit that we have no concept of design aesthetic.

x) Don't encourage logical and effective people-traffic flow procedures within stations. Instead let escalator riders figure it our on their own so we don't get sued for condoning unsafe behaviour like walking left and standing right.

xi) Don't stop a crowded bus when a fight breaks out in the back, even if riders appeal to you to stop the bus. At least let them get twenty or so punches in so cell phone videos are YouTube post-worthy.

xii) Don't downplay your level of stress. Be stressed. Be very stressed. Referring to soldiers and aiming for sympathy may be our last hope for acquiring funds from the feds.

xiii) Don't kick thugs off the train. Kick off homeless people that are being harassed by thugs. In cases like this, don't ask questions. It's just easier that way.

xiv) Don't make jerry-rigged garbage receptacles. It goes against our rigorous counter-terrorism policy.

xv) Don't read the news or city blogs - especially blogTO. They just get a kick out of bashing us for no good reason and only post the good TTC stuff so they look good.

This post was meant only partly in jest.

Photo by blogTO Flickr pool member denmar.